I'm Dead, or When Batman Gives You the Sex Talk
by Lazhuli
Summary: Bruce catches Dick and Wally in a compromising position. The following conversation on safety is mortifying for all involved. One-Shot
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Just a short little funny piece I wrote today**

As Batman Bruce Wayne's incredible perceptiveness was an asset, however, in more personal areas of his life it was sometimes a curse. Such as this evening when he had been able to feel his teenaged son's tension throughout their entire dinner together. He'd seen through the lie that Wally was coming over to work on homework in an instant and two hours after the redhead had arrived Bruce had known the exact moment to throw open the door to find two teenaged boys tangled up in each other on the bed. And so here they were, Dick and Wally sitting awkwardly on the couch in front of him squirming and Bruce mentally cursing his powers of observation for even knowing what was happening.

"Soooo…." Dick began awkwardly. A sharp glare from his father had him going silent again.

"You, Richard John Grayson, are only fourteen years old." Bruce began slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And you Wallace Rudolph West are sixteen years old. Which is also not old enough to be having sex but is most certainly old enough to know better than to be messing around with a fourteen year old."

"Dad…I." Dick began. Bruce held up a hand to silence him.

"I for one, would just like to say how deeplyincrediblysorryIamthatyousawthat…." Wally's super speed made his speech unintelligible and Bruce sighed as he put up a hand to cut him off as well.

"However, I understand that asking teenage boys to control their….urges," Bruce spat out quite uncomfortably. "Is not exactly the most practical response."

"Ohh no." Dick whispered.

"Which is why, although I do not condone you….having sex," Bruce continued.

"No, no, no." Dick whispered.

"What?" Wally whispered back.

"We're about to get the sex talk." Dick closed his eyes with a resigned sigh.

"From Batman?!" Wally jumped off the couch with a screech. "We weren't even having sex!"

"Wally." Dick said gently, pulling his boyfriend back onto the couch.

"Seriously though! Underwear were ON! Boundaries were set…and bent, a little…but set! And, and, and!" Wally trailed off when he came eye to eye with the Daddy Bat himself. "And you should tell us all about the proper use of condoms." Wally finished with a defeated shrug.

"Look, I trust that you are both intelligent enough to prevent STD's but condoms are ALWAYS a good idea anyway. Not only do they cut you risk significantly but they cut clean up…."

"DAD!" Dick almost hit the roof at that one.

"Dick, Alfred does NOT want to handle that laundry and I've seen you try to do your own. I believe the phrase is 'epic fail', is it not? And before you even open your mouth West, no, shower sex is not a viable alternative to condoms."

"It cleans itself though!" Wally protested. "Mostly"

"No." Bruce said firmly. "Now, I am not familiar with the logistics of gay sex but I know enough to tell you that lubricant is a must." Dick slowly slid off the couch to lay face down in the plush carpet. "Dick, what are you doing?"

"I'm dying, you killed me, I'm dead." Dick said in a muffled voice. On the couch his boyfriend looked white as a sheet.

"I am only trying to inform you of the potential physical ramifications of not properly preparing…" Bruce started again.

"Lube, condoms, don't do it in the shower no matter how much Wally begs, we've got it!" Dick shouted. "Make it stop!"

"I am trying to be a responsible parent here." Bruce retorted.

"Okay, well health class beat you to the condoms and the internet beat you to the lube so can this conversation please be over?" Dick begged.

"Seriously?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah." Wally confirmed.

"Thank God." Bruce sighed. "I'm going to take an aspirin and lie down." He pinched the bridge of his nose and strode out of the room.

"I'm dead." Dick said again, still face down in the carpet.

"We can never have sex." Wally said, mortified. He slipped down to join Dick on the carpet. "I will never be able to erase that from my brain."

"Agreed." Dick muttered.

"Well done Master Bruce." Alfred chuckled as he listened from the doorway to the living room.

"Why thank you Alfred." Bruce congratulated himself as he watched the two young heroes lament.

"Although, next time I might recommend cutting to the chase and simply walking in on them in uniform." Alfred smiled wickedly.

"I like that idea." Bruce gave a grin. "Maybe we'll try that with Tim."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Just a funny follow up based on the ending of the last one**

Time laughed as his boyfriend struggled to unbuckle the Robin's belt.

"Having some trouble there Kon?" Tim teased as Superboy growled in frustration. He had the thin raven-haired boy pinned up against the bedroom wall, peppering him with kisses for the past five minutes. However, as soon as he had reached for Tim's belt and been unsuccessful in getting it off the Robin had dissolved inti a fit of giggles.

"You know you could shut up anytime now." Kon groaned. "Or, you know, take this stupid thing off."

"This seems more fun." Tim told him with a wicked smile.

"Ass." Kon mumbled as he tugged at the leather belt again.

"Don't worry, we'll get there." Tim goaded the Kryptonian. "Whenever you get that belt off."

"Come on, help a guy out." Kon whined and Tim reluctantly reached down to undo his belt. "Thank God."

Tim wrapped his legs around his boyfriend's waist, the Kryptonian holding him up easily with one arm, while the other reached down to deal with his own jeans. Kon turned towards the bed and suddenly dropped Tim with a very unmasculine shriek.

"Oww!" Tim protested from the ground. "What the Hell?" He stared up at his boyfriend to find him standing slack jawed, staring at something behind Tim. With a definitive feeling of dread the brunette slowly turned to look over his shoulder. There, in the open window stood none other than Batman himself in full costume and cowl.

"Timothy." Batman growled.

"Dad!" Tim shot to his feet. "What in the name of God are you doing?" He asked frantically trying to zip his jeans up.

"Consider this a warning." Batman said in his low rumble. Behind him, Tim heard his boyfriend hit the floor with a thump. "I am confident this will not be necessary again." Batman said with just a touch of mirth before disappearing through the window.

"Damn, Kon we're in so much trouble." Tim complained. Receiving no response, he turned and saw his boyfriend lying in a passed out heap on the floor. Tim sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Thanks dad."


End file.
